The Top Ten Things I've Heard This Week And It's Only Wednesday!

(And it's a short week! Conferences are tomorrow and Friday! No school for the kids!)

10. "I have a headache. Can I lay down?" 

9. "I just want to go home." 

8. "I feel like I'm going to throw up." 

7. "I threw up. I swear. In the bathroom. And then flushed it."

6. "Your thermometer must be wrong. I SWEAR I have a fever." 

5. "I didn't eat breakfast. I was (insert reason here)." 

4. "I'm starving. Yes, I ate breakfast, but my stomach HURTS. I need MORE FOOD." 

3. "My stomach hurts. Yes I ate. I pooped yesterday. No, I don't have to poop now. I just want to go home. My stomach hurtssss." 

2. "I have this pain in my big toe that hurts that you can't fix and I need you to call home so they can bring me this magic potion that I have to go home for becauseit'samagicpotionandyoucan'thelpmeand..."

1. "I DON'T WANT TO BE IN CLASS SO I'M MAKING UP EVERY EXCUSE TO TRY TO GO HOME ON THIS SHORT WEEEEEEK. I DON'T CARE IF IT'S TEN SECONDS BEFORE THE BELL I WANT TO GO HOOOOMMMEEE." 

This was an interesting exchange that happened this morning to me. 

Kindergartner, 6 year old female. We'll name her Shelby, walks in to school with her older siblings. She has mud on the hem of her pants. Her shoes are fine and the rest of her clothes are fine. Her siblings explain that she slipped a bit outside as it's raining. 

Shelby: "I have mud on my pants." 

Me: "I see that." 

S: "I need it off of my pants." 

M: "Well...I can't get it off while it's wet. Why don't I send you to class so you can learn, and then when it dries you can come back and we can get it off?" 

S: "I have mud on my pants." 

M: "I know, It's a shame. I'm so sorry. But you really need to be in class learning, and I don't have a hair dryer or heater to make the mud dry faster, and your mom is at work, so if we just let your pants dry for a bit--" 

S: "But I have mud on my pants.. 

This exchange goes on for about another three minutes before I give up and decide that this student is not going to give up. I dial mom's number and it goes straight to voicemail. I dial grandma's number, knowing full well this woman is not going to have any clothing for this child. Grandma tells me what I already know, and I tell grandma the situation. 

G: "Let me speak to her please." 

M: "Okay." 

S: "Hello?" 

Now, I couldn't hear the conversation, but this is what I could hear. 

S: "But I have mud on my pants." 

-Silence- 

"But I have mud on my pants." 

--Silence-- 

"But. I. have. MUD. ON. MY. PANTS." 

--silence. Sigh. Groan. Sigh.--

"I have mud on my pants. But okay." 

the phone is handed back to me and a very irritated six year old walks off to class. 

The grandmother tells me she'll try to get hold of mom at work. I thank her and hang up. 

About two hours later mom shows up with a change of pants. The girl changes. These pants fit her better and the girl hands mom the pants with the mud dried on them. 

She looks straight at mom and says, "You know, mom, I could have waited until the mud dried and then wiped it off! Nurse Jessica could have helped me." 

I almost lost it. 

The girl went back to class and the mom looked at me. "I am so sorry." she said. I smiled at her, that kind of smile that you're trained to give when you smell that foul stench, or you're in the presence of someone who gave you unpleasant news, that professional smile that doesn't quite reach past your eyes. "It's okay. If it happens again we'll just wait and wipe the mud off!" I say, hoping it comes off more jokingly than the sarcasm that's dripping in my brain. 

All I wanted to do was go home. 

"But I have mud on my pants..." 

Me too, kid. Me too.

The Question I Get Asked The Most:

How Did You Get Started In School Nursing?

Honestly? 

It was luck that I got the call to work as a school nurse. I'd applied back in February 2015 on a whim when I was really really frustrated at my job at a local acute-care rehab center working 2nd shift as the only RN (recently graduated, not trained, stuck in low-pay, unpaid mandation, manipulated by older nurses...you get the idea...) in the whole building and I'd had it up to the eyeballs with them. 

"It's the last time I'm going to stay over for them! 3-1130 is enough, but to keep me until 8, and then want me back at 1 is completely unreasonable. I'm not doing it! They can't make me!" I fumed to my then-boyfriend. It was a snowy day in February when I sat down at my computer exhausted from being up all night. I started searching around for new nursing jobs. I didn't really want to do home care, but it was an option. 

Didn't want to do hospital nursing again, as that had been my first job and it had gone over horribly. The manager was a new-nurse eater who wanted to take you, chew you up, and spit you back out with a black spot on your nursing record bigger than your name and the length of time you had your license! I was TERRIFIED to go back to hospital nursing. I had nightmares about working in a hospital because of that woman. 

So, I was looking at options. I couldn't teach as a nursing instructor because I didn't have enough experience. 

And then I found it. Some random website that posted a ton of school nurse jobs. Many were for schools that were called ESP, non public. This meant that a lot of the things these nurses did really--from my understanding--weren't regulated and policies really weren't formulated. Not good for someone with no experience. However, I was willing to take anything. 

So I started to apply. 

The thought then came to maybe applying to the public school systems around me, and my old high school, just in case (they were a charter school). 

I got a call back for an ESP school and then the public school system. 

The ESP school wanted me, but the principal of the school I'd work at never called me back. 

The public school system was slower. It took them until late July, early August to call me. I interviewed one day, the next I was offered the job, and then I was put into "New Teacher Academy" the next Monday for 3 days of intensive "training" as a "New Teacher." 

Though a flawed system, I was trained by the nursing director in some of the jobs I would be expected to do, some of which included medicaid billing, IEPs, IHP's, 504s, Medication Authorization forms, Emergency Medical Cards, Incident Reports, Electronic Charting through "Sunguard", Vision and Hearing Screenings, Immunization reviews for Kindergarten, 7th Grade, and New to District Students, Policies for the use of Emergency medications (including EpiPens), and our School Health Advisory Committee (SHAC) and how we were going to complete the School Health Index (SHI) from the CDC, as a part of our partnership through a local hospital chain in research to see if having one school nurse in every building of the district really made an impact in student's health and chronic disease management. 

Overwhelming, right? 

This also included getting our picture IDs, Policies and Procedures as a general public school employee, Insurance and Benefits, Payroll rules, Tax Information, etc. 

It was a long 3 days.

AND THEN THEY DROPPED THE BOMB. 

"You will need your School Nurse Certification." 

Now, this isn't some add-on to your nursing license, no. 

This is more schooling. That you have to pay for yourself. Because it's usually a certificate program. 

So my recommendation is to ask if you need a special certification to be a school nurse before starting. 

I'm currently in school to obtain my Masters in Nursing with my School Nurse Concentration from Wright State University, so I can get Financial Aid to cover my certification as well ;).